Immodest Guest Posts To Celebrate the New Year

Being a traditionalist, I still celebrate the beginning of a new year on April 1st, as it should be done. Changing the first month from April to January was a big mistake, in my humble opinion.

In honor of the real first day of the year, I've invited (and surprisingly a few have accepted) some guest posters to post their thoughts on many different issues for the rest of the day.

So sit back, enjoy, party like it's 1999, and Happy New Year!!!

***this post has been dated so as to appear at the top of the page for the rest of the day, new posts below***

April 1st Guest Post Number 11, Fred Thompson

XWL's NOTE: This just in from Sen. Fred Thompson, he just fired off a quick, short email, here's the body of the text.

From the "Absolutely Awesome" mind of Fred Thompson



I do kick-ass, don't I?

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(and John McCain should fear me)


PS: After a quick IM chat with XWL, he assured me that his mancrush on me is purely platonic. I'm glad to have him on board the Thompson for President Express (unofficially, of course, afterall I may not be running *wink, wink*)

April 1st Guest Post, Reflections

Unless I get a last minute submission to my inbox, those ten will probably be the only guest posts today.

I hope each poster enjoyed the forum I provided, I haven't edited or changed anything they've said, I simply contacted them, asked them for input, and those were the responses that showed up in my inbox.

All I can say is that the internet is a wonderful thing.

April 1st Guest Post Number 10, John McCain

Guest Post "Talked Straightly" from the mouth of John McCain

I'd like to thank XWL for graciously hosting my thoughts.

My fellow Americans, as I continue my run for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States in Election 2008, I have had to field some pointed questions regarding my past support (OK, it was beyond support, it was co-sponsorship) of McCain-Feingold Finance Reform.

I am here to say that the application of that law has been thoroughly misguided. I did not expect things to go as they have. I am man enough to admit that I was inattentive to the possibility that my bill would be used in ways I didn't expect.

I thought that this one time the laws of unintended consequences could be ignored, boy, was I wrong.

So now, due to this (and other positions), my position as the "true conservative" and "straight talker" in this campaign is in jeopardy. I'm here to assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth. Granted, my campaign has had problems, but these problems will correct themselves over time.

During the debates over the next few months I will show that Rudy is too liberal, and Mitt is too weird to govern this country. I will talk so straightly that your heads will spin.

I realize that some libertarians accuse me of being a 'big government' conservative along the lines of President George W. Bush, and I will tell them (at least until the primaries are over) that nothing could be farther from the truth. I embrace the small government movement, even if I've rarely voted against big government projects.

I will say whatever it takes to get the support of the various constituencies that have soured on me in the past, whether it's the Christian Conservatives who didn't like me in 2000 (we've kissed and made up), or the Libertarian Republicans who distrust me now (trust me, trust me, trust me, please), when I say I am a 'straight talker' I mean it. I will talk as straight as possible to each group, and hope nobody with a recording device posts my words so that one of the other groups heres my contradictions (or I'm toast).

In summary, I can't wait to the debates begin (at least so long as Sen. Thompson stays out of the race, he scares me).

April 1st Guest Post Number 09, Hugo Chavez

Guest Post directly from "savior of all the peoples of North and South America" Hugo Chavez

That capitalist running dog pig thinks he can outfox me by letting me post at his site. Well I have news for him, I will take XWL up on his offer to post here, and he will see the through the glory of my words the rightness of my actions (My English is getting good, yes?)

I write these words in the English of the Imperialist Dogs, not because I have abandoned Spanish, the language of the people, but because I want this message to get out to as many people worldwide as possible.

My Bolivarian Revolution will not end in Caracas, or Quito, or Bogota, or Havana, or Managua, or Mexico City, or all the other Spanish speaking capitals in the Americas. Indeed Canada and even the United States are ripe for the taking and their people are begging for a firm, generous, and loving hand to guide them.

I am that hand.

I will guide them.

I will rule them.

I will unite all of the Americas and the Caribbean under one banner, under one glorious Bolivarian state, ruled by me. They will have all the joys of my rule, all the luxuries they desire, I will suspend all those evil "laws" of economics that they seem to think apply.

I will show them that those "laws" are meant to be broken and that my type of socialism won't lead to privation and shortages like capitalist pig newspapers claim, but instead will lead to glory and prosperity for all the masses.

Under my guidance you will not be ruled by sulfurous devils, but instead will be ruled by a champion of the people.

As a champion of the people, here are a few of the things I will be doing as I run your countries. I will bed your hottest women, but only so that they may have glorious babies that share my glorious genes so that this glorious revolution can continue for generations. The hottest women of each of the nations of the Americas will be invited to my palace in Caracas, and we will mate, the brightest of those offspring will then become President for Life of their respective home countries. These Hereditary Presidencies are the truest and onliest form of democracy, and will ensure that the people of the entire Western Hemisphere continue for decades to come to have leadership they can admire.

Of course, I will also taste the excesses that a consumer economy provides, not out of personal greed, but out of a desire to understand how the eeeevil capitalist mind works. I will take no pleasure in my indulgences, instead I will be using this knowledge to help prevent the spread of the worst of these indulgences throughout my kingdom, errr I mean United Countries of All the Americas.

My revolution will not stop at the borders of Venezuela, or even end with my death (I know comrades, the thought of going on with out me is hard to take, but you must go on), no this will be a permanent revolution, one that will last for an eternity.

April 1st Guest Post Number 08, Andrew Sullivan

Guest Post from the "Multiplicity of Viewpoints Collectively Known As" Andrew Sullivan


Hello fellow Conservatives. I'm taking a short break from my posts hosted by The Atlantic to speak to the readers of this blog (which XWL has kindly given me access to, today) who may not visit my rather modest blog.

It seems that some people have rejected my rejection of positions I previously held where I rejected the refusal of other people to agree with my disagreement regarding my puzzlement over people who seemed to agree with a position I previously held in which I seemed to have agreed with somebody who had been critical of a "fisking" I had offered on an article that had taken a previous article I had written to task regarding my own troubled admission that I had "evolved" beyond my previous views regarding the topic at hand.

I think I've been perfectly clear from the outset on this issue from the very start, so any confusion that people have had as I've tried to make the record straight (and I use that word reluctantly as I always suspect that people who set records "straight" are in some way attaching a 'heteronormative' layer to the idea of right or wrong), is clearly their own, and not caused by my own labryinthine route through my various positions regarding this very important issue. The people who are puzzled do so for their own political reasons, of that I'm sure. My position is sure to upset the Christianist who are trying to run this country and have undue influence over the sadly misguided Bush Administration, but I will gladly suffer their barbs as I know that my position is the right one to take. As I wrote in The Conservative Soul, "I know you are, but what am I?".

But in summary, just to clear the air, and to make sure that critics of me like the InstaSupporterofTORTURE can't miscontrue any future statements I may make on the subject, let this be the final word on this important subject:


The Pet Shop Boys are kinda gay (and that's why I love them).

PS: I use this YouTube video from the Pet Shop Boys below to ask my critics the very important question, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"

April 1st Guest Post Number 07, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Guest comments straight from the "unblinking stare" of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Posting from DAMASCUS, Syria

I would like to address the good people of all the nations of the world as I visit the wonderful country of my dear friend President Bashar al-Assad. He's been a wonderful and gracious host, his country is a beacon of enlightened thought that should serve as an example for the rest of the region, the rest of the world even. Nobody with that weak of chin could ever be belligerent, right?

I have never met more happy an patriotic people than the people of Syria. We could learn a thing or two from them. Their country doesn't suffer from the partisan divide that we do in the United States. Their President listens to their Congress, and their Congress listens to their President. They all are moving in the same direction, and that's towards a brillliant and peaceful Syria. If only our President was as responsive and open as Assad, then we'd all be better off.

Syria has its share of problems, mostly brought on to them by their dastardly Israeli neighbors and our current peace hating Executive Branch. I will work hard at undermining our Executive's ability to continue to inflict harm on Syrians and the good freedom fighters they support. If my pull-out plan for Iraq were to be accepted, then Syria would be one of the first places to fill the power vacuum and help restore the order that our U.S. Military presence has upset within Iraq.

Why should we have one more U.S. Soldier, all of whom I love as dearly as I love my own children and grandchildren, face harm when the Syrians and Iranians would so kindly have their personnel fill the role that our troops now fill?

President Bush can't answer that question cause he knows that our troops no longer belong there. I trust that the Syrians and Iranians will continue to foster pluralism, democracy and rule of law in Iraq, just as they do in their own countries. I trust that Assad will continue to be an exemplar of enlightened and beneficent rule in this part of SW Asia. I don't trust our current President, I don't trust General Petraeus, I don't trust bloggers like Omar and Mohammed at Iraq the Model, I don't trust reporters like Bill Roggio or Michael Yon.

I've enjoyed my fact finding mission in this part of the world, and as I discover more and more facts with the help of the likes of the Syrian government, I am firmer than ever in my resolve to exploit President Bush's weakness and undermine his ability to govern at every opportunity.

It's the only thing I can do, it's the patriotic thing to do, it's my responsibility as a good citizen of the world.

April 1st Guest Post Number 06, Dinesh D'Souza

Guest "pontifications" from Dinesh D'Souza


As I made clear in my recent book, The Enemy at Home, the left is responsible for everything bad that's happened in the past 30+ years. On this point there can be no dispute. The clash of civilizations we face today can be won in only one possible way.

To borrow a tactic from the left, we must "co-opt" the trappings of Islamic Fundamentalism to combat Islamic Fundamentalism. I too believe that women radiate mind altering hair rays, so obviously at a minimum all women must wear a scarf covering their hair, but preferably they should wear niqab, we will put into the law the requirement that women (and really effeminate young men like Sanjaya) keep their intoxicating hair rays covered in the presence of sexually mature males.

Our lack of modesty is just one of the things that has caused this clash of civilizations. Another aspect of our decadence is our (and despite my misgivings about many aspects of Western Culture, I still consider it my culture, and thus when speaking of it collectively, I use the pronouns "our" and "we") dependence on machines. We need to wean ourselves off of the use of so much technology. Ned Ludd had the right idea. Western Culture missed an opportunity for embracing purity over convenience when we chose not to follow his example and halt the spread of labor saving devices. All this labor saving has caused is more idle time. And we all know who finds work for idle hands.

Speaking of Idle Hands, it's films like that one which cause us to be hated, as well. I propose an office of ideological purity to review all films before, during and after production to ensure that product so damaging to the image of the United States and the West in general aren't made. I'm not yet convinced that Seth Green isn't the Anti-Christ. He's near the top of my list of possible candidates.

April 1st Guest Post Number 05, Michael Ware

Guest rantings straight from the "arsehole" of Michael Ware


Yes, I hate America, yes I am a drunken idiot, and yes I'm cozy with the freedom fighters (others call them "insurgents" or "terrorists", but I know they are freedom fighters).

God, I love the rush of being close to combat. It's the best high in the world, especially when you're coked up, and or drunk most the time like I am.

April 1st Guest Post Number 04, JJ Abrams

Guest commentary from the "desk" of JJ Abrams

XWL, has kindly allowed me this space where I can reveal details about the upcoming Star Trek XI project with which I'm involved.

As I'm sensitive to the community of Trek fans, and not all of them want to be exposed to details, the rest shall be in "inviso-text".


Star Trex XI will indeed follow the exploits and first meeting of a young James Kirk (Lt. Commander in the film), a young Spock (already a XO) and Bones (already a cranky old man).

A lot of speculation has swirled around the casting, I'm here to tell you that it won't be Matt Damon as Kirk. I want this to be a new Kirk, but I still want some Shatnerness to the portrayal, and I don't think Matt Damon has enough Shatnerness to pull this off.

In thinking long and hard on this, I've come up with a short list of 3 actors for the part, 1st Jack Black (though he may be a bit old), he embodies much that is Shatner, and in the screen test, had the absolute best pauses (one clocked in at 45 seconds). OK, I ain't gonna lie, Jack Black is the only person for the role, I just claim there are other actors up for the part to drive down his price, this film needs to come in on a budget.

For the Spock role, we were happy to find out that Sacha Ben Cohen was interested in the role. He's perfect, and will work well with Jack Black.

Finally for the 3rd principle, there can only be one Bones, and that's Gary Sinise. In this case the rumors are absolutely true.

The plot revolves around two main issues, Kirk's romantic entanglement with an Andorian (played by Evangeline Lily, she looks smoking hot in blue, by the way) double agent who is in Starfleet but is secretly working with an Andorian supremicist group that is still angry with the Vulcans. Needless to say, there will be reveals, and twists, and double-twists, cause I can't help myself, that's what I do. I haven't actually plotted them all out yet, and the great thing about these kind of plots is that the bigger the plot holes, the more convincing the shadow conspiracy behind the events appears. I mean, it's not like I had any idea where I was going with the whole Dharma initiative crap on Lost, and look how far I've taken it. But anyway, I included an Andorian, just cause I figured Evangeline would look smoking in blue, and I was right.

The "B" plot will be Kirk and Spock meeting and finally catching up and exposing the Andorian terrorists. Spock will quickly focus rightly on Spock's blue hottie, but Kirk will resist. Initially Kirk and Spock will detest each other, but as Spock uncovers Evangeline's connection to the plot, Kirk will be exposing Vulcan complicity in the terrorist activity (Vulcan loyalist don't trust Andoria's inclusion in the Federation and are willing to help Andorian terrorists in Vulcan to help their expulsion happen).

This is my twistiest, turniest script yet. I kick soooo much ass, it's not even funny. (anyway, inviso-text off)

So that's that. I hope those spoilers don't ruin the movie for you. It will be the big movie of 2008, of that I'm sure. And you can trust me cause I'm JJ Abrams, and I always know what I'm doing (even when I don't).

April 1st Guest Post Number 03, Rosie O' Donnell

Guest Reflections from the "mind" of Rosie O' Donnell


Thank's to XWL for giving me this forum.

Those evil bastards, with their Mickey Mouse EARS
Are afraid of me.
Butt, I will go on (Hi! Celine, I luv U)

I'm not saying 9/11 was an inside job
Butt,
WTC 7, explains so much (I link to them at r blog, 2)
(Pop Mechanics are Gov't Stooges)

I No
U
Can C

Barbara's not taking my calls
I played nice on Friday
What's that OLD BItch's Prob?

I will not B CENSURED!!!

Fluffy bunnies and cute
muffin tops

That's what I'm about

AMERICA LOVES ME

AMERIKKKA HATES ME

Where do you live, in the "C" or in the "KKK"???

That' enough, TATA for now.
(I may be out of a job soon, got a hustle)

April 1st Guest Post Number 02, Steve Carrell

Guest Comment from the "mind" of Steve Carrell

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I like lamp.

April 1st Guest Post Number 01, Sean Penn

GUEST POST: From the "mind" of Sean Penn


Hey dudes! It's Sean Penn here. I thought I'd help out fellow Santa Monica resident and Samohi graduate (Go Vikes!) and post some of my thoughts here.

Well, the news out of my favorite city, Tehran is like, totally bogus. Those British naval personnel should be ashamed of themselves for committing those acts of espionage on the great and glorious Islamic Republic of Iran.

I know the Iranian side of the story must be the right one, cause like, those cats over there are like totally righteous.

I predict that the glorious Islamic Republic of Iran will sentence those limey military thugs as they deserve, but out of their infinite mercy, commute their deserved death sentence and release them back to the dastardly British.

Last time I was there, I bought a whole closet full of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "Members Only" jackets, and I must say, they are the best looking clothes I've ever worn. They're the perfect windbreaker to fend off the gentle ocean breezes that come off the Pacific Ocean just down the street.

My wife has even started wearing them, sometimes even to bed (if you know what I mean), sometimes we play a game called, "The President and The Dissident", and well, it gets pretty kinky, especially when she's the President and wearing that jacket and an expertly applied fake beard. You wouldn't think a tall thin blond chick could pull off a convincing Mahmoud, but my wife is such a great actress that she does it with ease.

Anyway, I'd like to thank XWL for giving me this forum, I'd like to pre-emptively thank the Academy for my Oscar in 2009 playing Allan in Stacy Peralta's kick-ass film, "In Search of Captain Zero", and I'd like to thank the Iranian Revolutionary Guard for capturing those Brits and exposing the "West" for the evil, corrupt and weak poseurs that I've always known that they are. Long live the REVOLUTION!!