25 October 2006

The Five Men (or Women) You'd Gay Marry

What follows is mostly an unserious post regarding a serious topic.

Now that it looks like the New Jersey Supreme Court has forced the New Jersey Legislature to clarify its stance regarding gay marriage or its equivalent, I think the real question everyone should be asking themselves, "Who Would I Gay Marry?"

My fantasy five guys I would gay marry (but in a non-sexual, just cause they seem like great people to hang around with, sort of way) are as follows

Ricky Gervais: Dude is brilliant, bloody brilliant. Also, seems like a regular bloke, so would be someone you could hang out at the pub with and play snooker or darts with while downing a few pints. Plus, if you are going to gay marry, might as well both benefit from each others citizenship's, so a solidly. And speaking of Ricky Gervais, if I were to tell you that the 2nd season of Extras was the most brilliant thing you will ever likely see on television, just assume that I saw them all while in England, and not through bittorrent, either that or my future self came back and told my current self how hilarious each episode of season two was after watching them on their HBO run. Great, great stuff, just a few of the highlights, a very randy Daniel Radcliffe, a wickedly entertaining David Bowie, a still impressive Dame Diana Riggs, an impeccably performed appearance by Sir Ian McKellan and the true highlight, the performance of Ricky's writing partner Stephen Merchant as the agent. Him and Ricky play off each other like some great comedy duo of the past. It's funny beyond all imagining, better than the first season, far better than either season of the Office, and better than just about any other comedy you have ever seen. But again, this is all hypothetical, as this hasn't actually shown in the United States yet, so I haven't actually seen any of the episodes.

Charles Barkley: Who doesn't want to hang out with Sir Charles as much as humanly possible? Dude is funny, smart, honest, and seems like he honestly enjoys the life he's been given while appreciating how lucky he's been. Plus, I'd help him in his gubernatorial campaign in Alabama, while also convincing him to return back to the Republican party.

Beat Takeshi: Takeshi is an amazing filmmaker, a great comedian, and seemingly an all around cool guy. One attempt to describe his impact in Japan that I remember was that his career was as if you combined the careers of Johnny Carson as a chat show host, Jim Carrey at his prime as a comedian and Clint Eastwood as a director all into one person. He's been in some truly amazing and surreal films, and his films Sonatine and Hana-Bi are a couple of the best films of the 90s. Being around someone who is capable of so many different things at the same time would bound to be fascinating.

Christopher Hitchens: The world's greatest drinking buddy. Sure he's a socialist, but he's still a very smart person with an amazing breadth and depth of knowledge and an unmatched ability to communicate what he knows. Sure he can be nasty, but that would just make being around him on a constant basis a challenge and a pleasure. Besides being able to destroy foes with his wit, he seems like he'd be willing to ball up his fists and pound a few heads when push comes to shove as well. An important quality to have if you are going to do some serious drinking in publick houses with someone.

Oprah Winfrey: Wait? Wouldn't that be a Straight Marriage and not a Gay Marriage? Well, with Oprah, I'd much rather be her Gayle than her Steadman. So if I were to marry Oprah, I'd want it to be a Gay Marriage. I'd be the bestest gal pal she ever had (move over Ms. King). Gender is just a social construct anyway, at least that's what all my Gender Studies Profs insisted over and over again, so given the supposed fluidity of gender, I'd be Oprah's gal pal, unusually burdened with a penis instead of a vagina. She seems open minded enough not to judge me for my unusual problem. Also, if I were to Gay Marry Oprah, I'd insist that if she truly, truly, truly loved me, she'd refuse to have her team of lawyers draw up a pre-nup for me to sign, instead she'd know that our love for each other besides being purely platonic, would also be based on the mutual trust and admiration that could only be tainted by legal documents (beyond a marriage certificate, that is).

So have you contemplated your list of five Gay Marriages, yet? Hop to it, if you haven't, and post your list on the internets for everyone to see. Better than listening to all the political ads and political posts flying through the airwaves and cluttering the internet.

As far as marriage in general, there was a time that the state did have a vested interest in promoting marriage, but that time has passed, to avoid this battle, government entities at every level should end the practice of sanctioning any kind of marriage. If parties want to draw up a contract with each other, than sign a contract, but the marriage contract as it stands now is too nebulous, too unspecific, and too easily entered or broken to be as meaningful as it should be.

Marriage as a state sponsored endeavor is irrevocably broken, in my opinion, and an archaism that should be replaced by more specific, more direct, and better understood agreements that are less easily abused by crafty legal minds.

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