11 June 2008

Let's Talk About My Volunteer Work . . .

Just like Mr. Johnson, I too am an unpaid (and unbeknownst to Sen. Obama), volunteer consultant on presumptive presidential candidate Barack Obama's search for a Vice President.

I'm not part of the 'vetting' process, I'm more of an ideas man, big picture sort of dude. Cause one thing that the Obama campaign needs more of is vaguely stated, poorly reasoned, oddly conceived 'big picture' pronouncements.

Here are my five (+ one who should be on the list, but unfortunately is a bit too young) choices for Candidate Obama's running mate.

I've already made the case before, but come on, the Obama-Oprah ticket is a natural, right? Before you dismiss it out of hand, need to look into the possibility that by being on the ticket, The Oprah could give UNLIMITED contributions to the campaign (I assume the rule for VP candidate is the same as P candidate, I don't know for sure, though). An extra 300-400 million of spending loot could come in handy for a national campaign that's been burning through their massive cash reserves (they're not wasteful, they're merely trying to stimulate the economy since the GOP won't do it).

Clearly, The Obama is going to have the hardest time convincing the 'blue collar comedy' crowd that he'll be a President that serves all the people (and not just some of the people). Picking Larry The Cable Guy would be a brilliant bit of rebranding that would help The Obama sweep The South. I'd call this ticket "The Messiah Guy and The Cable Guy" (or "The Barry and Larry Show"). Should shore up appeal with those bitter bible and gun clinging types.

The master of selling hope, hype, a lifestyle, and things packaged in pretty boxes meet Steve Jobs (ha-ha, see how I did the reversal thing there). iMac, meet iMessiah. iMight choke on all the smugness on the stage and at the convention when this announcement gets made, but this choice would make sense on many levels. One, same as the Oprah effect, Mr. Jobs could spare a couple hundred million dollars. Two, rather than running away from marketing speak, the selling of style over substance, and worrying about appealing only to a narrow audience, embrace it. Evangelical zeal is never a bad thing in presidential politics. Also, The Obama needs to start wearing some nice white mock-turtlenecks to contrast with Jobs signature black mock-turtlenecks.

OK, so they both have some 'church' problems in convincing many voters that they're viable leaders of the Executive branch. But, all they have to do is speak sincerely, maybe jump on a couch or two (on the Oprah show, naturally), and flash their winning smiles at the American public, and all will be forgotten. Obama-Cruise works on many levels, The Obama needs to embrace the cult of celebrity, it's his surest path to the office he seeks. He can't run on policy, cause his stated positions and voting record are anathema to voters in a majority of states (and more importantly in states that make up a majority in the Electoral College), so if he can't run as the liberal that he is, he might as well just run as a celebrity. The Cruise brand is somewhat tarnished at the moment, but he's still popular enough to help, and the alternative stars old enough to run with him are either too foreign (sorry Salma Hayek, but please, campaign vigorously for Obama, and in tight outfits), too young (sorry Will Smith, sure technically you're old enough, but given The Obama's relative youth, putting a 39 year old on the ticket probably would hurt), or too lefty (sorry Sean Penn, maybe your good friends Ahmadinejad or Chavez will invite you into their governments in some sort of decision-making position).

OK, I know this might seem like an odd choice. I mean, Larry David isn't exactly the most likeable fella. But, your politics mesh, he'd be a lightning rod for controversy and would make a gaffe a night on the campaign trail. That could come in handy since you can't necessarily rely on the media continuing to ignore your tendency to have some really awkward moments when not speaking off of a teleprompter. Let David be the focus, eventually folks will just be all, 'Oh, that's just Larry being Larry', plus since he's Jewish, you'll squelch all those 'not a friend to Israel' insinuations that swirl around your campaign. Added bonus, another opportunity for those "Barry and Larry" bumperstickers.

Ahhhh, Sen. Obama's bestest email-buddy. She's too young, but if it were possible, this would make a great ticket. (OK, not really, but yeah, an excuse to post a picture of her).


Outis said...

Dude, given the fundamental purpose of the internet you don't need a reason to post pictures of SJ.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

And you recall that Althouse has a thing for Larry David, right?