15 March 2007

A Modest Proposal On Injecting the United States Constitution With New Vigor

Antiquated, written by stuffy entitled land owners, the U.S. Constitution is becoming increasingly constrictive in its effect on the American polity.

Look at Europe, most of their countries have nothing that resembles our Constitution, or especially our Bill of Rights, and they live lives far superior to our own (I know they are superior, cause they endlessly feel the need to remind us Americans of their superiority).

But, given that the Constitution has within it the mechanism for its constant maintenance and renewal, it's well past time to attack that document with all the skill and cunning that the modern world can bring.

The need for the formation of a cabal of intelligent folks to decide the best shape for a new document that will better guide all the other less intelligent folk populating our good and green nation is readily apparent.

The number of folks should be limited, too many cooks spoil the broth, and when the broth being cooked is as important as the guidance of this country, we better make sure those cooks make Wolfgang Puck look like Shemp Howard.

Here's my suggestion for the lucky 13 people who will shape our future. The list is unordered, these folks are not necessarily the best and the brightest, instead they are the folks who bring enough different voices to the table that their collective chorus will sound like America.

Matt Stone: One of the South Park guys help write our constitution?!? Yes, why not. The mind that can come up with "manbearpig" and "Blame Canada" and "Team America" is the kind of mind that we need deciding our future.

Victor Davis Hanson: To shape the future, a knowledge of the past is key. Hanson is the right kind of historian to bring sense to this project. He'll keep the 13 from following too many of the latest fads and bring a perspective that stretches back to our classical origins.

Oprah Winfrey: No cabal of important folk would be complete without Oprah. She already runs this country practically anyway, so why not give her a hand in writing the rules?

Jerry Brown: Current California Attorney General Jerry Brown has a lifetime of public service, an active and curious mind, a willingness to think outside the box (way, way, way outside the box), and experience at every level of government.

Steve Jobs: I personally hate the cult of Apple and all they stand for, but Steve Jobs is a smart man, and his politics aren't as lockstep liberal as you'd expect. He'd make sure that the design for the new constitution would be really, really, really cool.

Donald Hollenbaugh: Distinguished Service Cross recipient, enough said. He'd probably beg off this cabal, but he belongs more than anyone else.

John Wooden: Coach has slowed physically, but his mind is still spry. A constitution informed by his pyramid of success wouldn't be a bad thing. But hurry up, he's not going to be around forever. If they don't get around to doing this in time, the Coach slot could be filled by Phil Jackson instead.

Trey Parker: What, you'd thought I'd let Stone alone help write the constitution? They are a pair, and go together.

Gayle King: Again, just like you can't have Stone without Parker, you can't have Oprah without Gayle.

Andrew Sullivan: He's a limey, he has a changeable mind, and he'll likely denounce the document 5 days after help writing it, but his input would be appreciated.

Christopher Hitchens: Another limey, a socialist even, but I think with enough liquor in him, he'll come up with some great ideas and especially fine prose for this document that will require a rhetorical style that can sing for the ages.

Shigeru Miyamoto: This dude is seriously brilliant. He's been designing amazing video games for decades now. So what if he barely speaks English, this guy will bring it.

Ayaan Hirsi Ali: Seriously, she embodies the spirit of our founding fathers better than anybody else I can think of. She'll bring a real perspective on the kinds of horrors caused by a lack of the kinds of protections a well written constitution can provide. And she's hot.

I realize these suggested folks might surprise and anger some, but you try and come up with a better and more representative 13, bet you can't do it.

UDPATE: Hello, Instapundit readers! Thanks to Prof. Althouse for the link, I guess I should expand the list to 15 and include Prof. Althouse and Prof. Reynolds on the list, and given that Prof. Althouse's specialty is Con Law, and Prof. Reynolds has a really hot wife, they seem like they're both extremely qualified to assist in writing a new constitution. But why stop at 15?

Per the suggestions in the comment section, let's go ahead and expand the list to 21 folks, and yes Mike Judge and Scott Adams would be perfect additions (for the reasons already stated in the comments). On top of those gentleman, and the two good professors mentioned above, I will modestly suggest these four folks . . .

George Clinton: We live in a funky country, and we need a funky person help bring the funk, the whole funk, and nothing but the funk to the process of producing a document to help guide the next 250 years or so (plus as I suggested before, One Nation Under a Groove should be our National Anthem).

Michelle Malkin: Cause including her would just drive all sorts of folks crazy.

Salma Hayek: First, Mexicans and Mexican-Americans are grossly underrepresented on this list. Second, she's Salma Hayek. Third, she's Salma Hayek. Fourth, she's Salma Hayek.

Tammy Bruce: Half-Irish, Half-Italian lasses are also grossly underrepresented on this list, plus from her website's description of herself, "Half-Irish, Half-Italian, Half-Troublemaker", and in many ways, that is a good description of our nation itself. We are a nation of people made up of 'three halves', and usually 'troublemaker' is one of them (and that's a good thing, progress isn't made by folks who are always trying to avoid trouble, just ask the Swiss).


bill said...

I'll nominate 2 alternatives, in case some of yours are unable to perform the duties of their office:

Mike Judge: He created Beavis and Butthead, Office Space (most depressing ever), and Idiocracy so he understands America. Plus, anyone who can write the following understands why we need the pursuit of happiness:
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Scott Adams. I'm sure whole sections of the new constitution could be taken straight from his blog. Then we replace the bald Eagle with Saint Dogbert: Out Out!! You Demons of Stupidity!!

bill said...

I was about to add "You delinking sonofabitch!" But I see you've put me back on. Good. Fine. Not that I'm paying attention or anything.

sbw said...


doc99 said...

I'd like to add Mario Cuomo and Mark Levin to this list.

Icepick said...

"So what did you do all day?"

"Absolutely nothing. And it was everything I dreamed it would be!"

Fuckin' 'A'.

Edmund said...

I'd add James Lileks, so that it will both celebrate and reject all that is craptacular in our past. Gotta have at least one libertarian - how about Virginia Postrel?

Wahrheit said...

Dick Cheney, so that the Lizardoid Conspiracy gets fair representation.

Lizardoids are people too!