Recording Session Highlights (More Mother[bleep]ing Places Where Snakes Don't Belong)

(hat tip Drudge)

So a variety of Black Actors have been picked to voice various biblical characters in an audiobook New Testament.

Rather than going with the old reliable Voice of God, or the even older and more reliable Voice of God, they chose to go with SLJ.

I can't quibble with that choice, quibbling with that choice might find me staring down the barrel of a rather large hand gun held by a rather large man with a rather large and juicy jheri curl wig on his head.

Instead I will say that Morgan Freeman seems like a better choice for New Testament God, while Samuel L. Jackson strikes me as much more Old Testament-y.

I've hopped into my time machine and headed to the future to pick up an outtake which I've transcribed of the recording session for SLJ doing his thing as God for the Book of Genesis

SLJ: Hey guys, it was great working with you on the New Testament, thanks for having me back. This God character in the Old Testament is one I can really sink my teeth into.

Director: Great to have you back Sam, ready to get started?

SLJ: Yep, one thing though I wanted to make some changes, I think a more active dialogue between God and Adam and Eve would really grab people's attention and bring the Book to life.

Dir: What have you got?

SLJ: OK, most of what you have is cool, but I'm thinking we need a scene where God really lets Adam and Eve have it for being seduced by the Devil. I thought it could be kinda like, God says "Eve, WHAT did I say about talking to SNAKES?" and then Eve is all silent, no answer, so God just jumps right in, "I told you, don't listen to no SNAKES, I didn't put no mother[bleep]ing snakes in this mother[bleep]ing garden, that SNAKE was mother[bleep]ing Satan"

Dir: I think we're going to go with what we have.

SLJ: Alright you're the Director, I'm just the actor, but I think the kids would go crazy for a little reference to the greatest film of all time. One other thing, I'm thinking the bits in Ezekiel should be changed to resemble the biblical misquote from that other film I was in . . .

I'm sure dozens of variations of this same dialogue will proliferate across the internet spontaneously, this is just my small modest effort to add to that (I wonder which late night comedy show will do their version first? My money's on Kimmel)

(and speaking of Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson competing for the same voice-over job, this film, directed by this guy, couldn't be a real project and must be some elaborate hoax)