Probably The First and Only Post Wherein I Feel the Need to Write the Words "NSFW" and "Miss Piggy" in the Same Post . . .

It's Miss Piggy, and other Muppets, but the audio is of Peaches, and if you know your Peaches, then you know why this clip is NSFW (at least acoustically speaking)

Did I mention this is freakin' hilarious?

The above was for a class assignment, here's another bit of classwork from the same auteur.

Seriously, someone hire her, she knows what she's doing already, and is probably just wasting time and money getting any more schooling.

Men, Defined . . .

There's a poll currently running on the ESPN's Page 2 asking What would you rather be, First Pick NFL Draft, First Pick NBA Draft, First Pick MLB Draft, or Gisele's Boyfriend. The poll isn't archived yet, so can't link, but here's a photo of the results as of about 5:35pm PST April 25, 2008



I dare you to convince me that the above screencap of the current results to this poll doesn't offer the best possible definition of 'dude-ness'. You'll have to be very persuasive in your argument to change my mind.

And I think most guys would also do all the errands that Tom Brady is seen running for Gisele and wouldn't care at all if TMZ wants to make 'whipped' comments (one example, another, and another) so long as they are enjoying Gisele's comforts.

Should They Do a "Celebrity Whoreshoe Tossing" Competition Before They Do Regular Whoreshoe Tossing . . .

Mandy Moore, preparing for Celebrity Whoreshoe Tossing?

(via Defamer)

And if there ever were to be an actual Celebrity Whoreshoe Tossing competition (I can just about hear Ryan Seacrest throwing to it at the end of Idol, 'and coming up next on Fox an exciting new reality competition show from the producers of 'Who Wants to Bed an Ex-Playboy Model'), my money would be on Mariah Carey to win the whole thing . . .

Is This Post Just Another Excuse for a Picture of Scarlett Johansson?

Watching Scarlett, and listening to Tom Waits, haven't you ever thought to yourself, "Self, wouldn't it be wonderful if Scarlett Johansson did an entire album of Tom Waits tunes? And if your self answered in the affirmative, would your self then further ponder, 'Self, wouldn't it be even more awesome if they bury the vocals very deep in the mix while creating a very 'Jesus and Mary Chain-ish' soundscape to the whole enterprise?'"

Well if your self was thinking all those things, then your self should be very happy judging from her just released single of her Tom Waits cover, "Falling Down". (you can go here and listen to the song at Rhapsody's website, just got to install their ActiveX controls to do it).

(ha, and I fooled you, no pictures of Scarlett Johansson accompany this post)

NBA Playoff Humiliation

It's time for the 2008 dose of NBA Playoff related humiliation.

I'll just pick one round at a time.

(1) Boston v (8) Atlanta
Every ESPN expert picks Boston in either 4 or 5 games. Don't expect any different myself, Boston is for real, and Atlanta is lucky (and Phoenix is unlucky given they hold Atlanta's draft pick) not to have slid out of the playoffs. Pick, Boston in 4

(2) Detroit v (7) Philadelphia
Every ESPN expert picks Detroit in either 5 or 6 games. Guess, what they're all wrong, AI (Iguodala version), Andre Miller, and the rest of Philly's talented up tempo team will cause problems for Detroit. Detroit has had a solid regular season, posting the second best record in the NBA, but they don't seem to be having any fun, and if things start going wrong, I see this team pointing fingers and sulking rather than rallying and prevailing. Pick, Philadelphia in 6

(3) Orlando v (6) Toronto
The Magic get almost all the ESPN expert love (Marc Stein the lone exception), and when you look at the starting line ups for these two teams, it's hard to see Orlando as overwhelming favorites. Orlando is vulnerable, but I think Howard and Turkoglu will take over the games for stretches and will win in the end, but it won't be easy. Pick, Orlando in 7

(4) Cleveland v (5) Washington
The ESPN folks are evenly split in their assessment of these two teams, but they all agree this series will get stretched to 6 or 7 games. They're wrong, Washington is going to trounce Cleveland, but LeBron in all his glorious LeBron-ness will manage to win one game all by himself, beyond that though, Washington will destroy a rather mediocre Cleveland squad. Pick, Washington in 5

(1) LA Lakers v (8) Denver
The ESPN experts all pick the Lakers, but none of them expect a sweep. The Lakers are playing very well at the moment, Denver's been a bit inconsistent, and a bit indifferent to playing defense. I expect the halftime score in Sunday's game to be about 74-58, and the score after the third quarter to be 110-78. The Lakers will score at will on Denver, and they'll even play a little defense from time to time. That first game will set the tone for the entire series and Denver will fade away without a fight. Pick, Lakers in 4

(2) New Orleans v (7) Dallas
4 out of 6 ESPN experts pick Dallas in this one. Seems fitting, and suggests a nice symmetry to last year's outcome for Dallas. Get upset as the 1 seed one year, then upset the 2 seed the following year. I like symmetry. Pick, Dallas in 6

(3) San Antonio v (6) Phoenix
The greatest 1st round series in NBA history? Last year's 'real' finals was the bloody battle between these two teams, and that was a Conference Semi-finals. Now it's in the first round, sucks for one of these teams to get bounced early, but one must go. You had a nice run as champs, Spurs, but for whatever reason, repeating as champs isn't something y'all have been able to do. Shaq was brought in to give the Suns an edge over the Spurs, and that's just what he'll do. Pick, Phoenix in 6

(4) Utah v (5) Houston
All the experts pick the Jazz, they've been the best home team in the NBA this year, and Houston is Yao-less. Those experts are wrong again, Houston has the tools to handle this Jazz team, plus even though they're the lower seed, they have homecourt in this series. Of course, these two teams played a game seven in Houston in the first round last year, and Utah won that, but this time Houston will get their revenge, and T-Mac will see the 2nd round for the first time. Pick, Houston in 7

Laker Chat, Part Woohoo!!!

Lakers clinched the number one seed in the Western Conference playoffs. Considering what the season looked like back in October, this is pretty remarkable, they started off kind of rocky, posting a 9-8 record by Dec 2nd. Since then they've gone 48-17.

When they look good, they look really good, but they have their lapses, they get sloppy with the ball and get dumb turnovers, they get too 3pt attempt happy when behind by a lot or ahead by a lot, and still have trouble defending the pick and roll.

The number one seed doesn't really earn them much, though, other than one extra home game in each Western Conference series they play in. Dallas or Denver will be their first round opponent, both teams are talented, both teams are capable of pushing the Lakers, and the Lakers are just as capable of sweeping either of these teams.

The Lakers are probably just glad they don't have to face Phoenix in the first round for the third year in a row. The rest of the Western Conference is still in flux, New Orleans and Utah have clinched their divisions, New Orleans has clinched the 2nd seed, but San Antonio, Utah, Houston and Phoenix could all finish with the same 55-27 record which would be pretty crazy, and fitting given the way the Western Conference has been. It's pretty likely to happen to, if Utah beats San Antonio in Utah (where they've been nearly unbeatable) and Phoenix beats Portland and Houston beats the Clippers, then you'll have a 4 way tie.

In the case of a 4 way tie, Utah would be the 3rd seed (based on a 7-3 record against the other 3) and matched up against 6th seed San Antonio (based on a 4-8 record against the others) while Phoenix (6-5) would be 4th and Houston would be 5th (5-6).

If San Antonio wins, then they'd earn the 3rd seed, and even though they'd have a 54-28 record Utah would get the 4th seed based on being Northwest Division champs. 5th and 6th seed would come down to Houston or Phoenix, and Houston wins in a two team tiebreaker with Phoenix based on better conference record.

Utah's in the best shape, win or lose they get the fourth seed, but if they lose, they'd have the fourth seed, but not home court in the first round against Houston. If Phoenix or Houston loses, then whichever one lost would be the 6th seed, if they both lose then it'd be the same as if they both won.

It's amazing how many different scenarios remain with just a single game left for each team to play. It's also amazing how much time I wasted figuring this out when it will all be decided by 10pm tomorrow.

Three Songs That Need to Be in Rock Band

First up, Infectious Grooves, You Lie . . . And Yo Breath Stank. This would be a seriously fun and challenging song inRock Band for all four instruments. Plus it has rock moments and funk moments, there's not nearly enough funk in Rock Band, maybe you need a little metal/funk mix to act as an introduction (Epic by Faith No More sort of counts, but more would be better). Interestingly, it's SonyBMG themselves that posted the song, but those bastards wouldn't let me embed the clip.

Next, PJ Harvey, The Whores Hustle and the Hustlers Whore. Rock Band needs more Polly Jean (much, much more, as in any), this track would be a good place to start. Lots of crunchy guitar, an epic sounding vocal, and some nicely complicated drumming should make for an excellent track to pretend to rock out to. Bonus points if you perform the song in a black bra and PVC miniskirt the way Polly does in this version from the 2004 Reading Festival (and my friend had a theory way back in 1994 that Kurt Cobain would still be alive if he had hooked up with Polly Jean instead of Courtney Love).

Lastly, Jackie Wilson, (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher. Seriously, if this song can save New York City from toxic psychic ooze (and get the Statue of Liberty moving) , then it certainly can make a damn fine Rock Band experience.

Laker Chat, Part Infinity . . .

It's Laker Chat time, they're in the playoffs, but where they end up being seeded is still in doubt. With just four games left, all at Staples, they would seem to be in great shape, but they have New Orleans visiting Friday and San Antonio visiting Sunday (3:30pm ET on ABC, check your local listings). If they win all four games, they'll need New Orleans to lose one of their other games to get 1st in the Western Conference, if they lose all four games, they could drop behind Phoenix for the Pacific Division title, and lose home court in the first round of the playoffs.



Bynum is said to be ready to play on Sunday, and will also play in the season closing game against Sacramento, then it's five days off, and most likely hosting Phoenix, Dallas, Houston, Golden State, or Denver (depending on how seeding shakes out) on Sunday April 20th.



They could beat any of those teams, and they could lose to any of those teams in a seven game series. Nothing will be certain in the Western Conference playoffs, and seeding probably won't be determined until the very last day of the season, with Dallas playing New Orleans that day.



The East is pretty determined already, with only some intrigue as to whether or not Washington can pass Cleveland for 4th (and get home court in the first round). Nobody's going to care much about the East until the Conference Finals, though, not with all the action in the West.



(via TrueHoop)



But you already know all that, did you know that Kobe put on his new Nike shoes and jumped over an Aston Martin at the top of a parking structure near Staples Center?



Sure he did, and here's the video to prove it. Like the way he gave Turiaf a piece of the action by putting him in this video, don't know how it works with 'viral' ads, I doubt this video will ever show up on TV spots, it's strictly going to be an internet phenomenon (until some dumb kid tries to jump his friend's Corolla and gets horribly maimed). Things that you can determine from the ad, yes Kobe probably really jumped high enough to clear the Aston Martin, yes that was really an Aston Martin driving in the same place Kobe occupied, yes Roni Turiaf is always that goofily enthusiastic about stuff, yes Kobe has a playful side, and no, no way in hell that they actually really did this, two possibilities, the car wasn't in line with Kobe, or they edited a jump and car drive by together that didn't happen at the same time. Looking at the frames, I'm going with the edit job, but however this was done, this ad should spread across the internet like crazy.



(and I don't get why there's all that Latin all over Kobe's website, either)

Do We Really Want One of Those Kind of Persons as President?

Watching the way Petraeus and Crocker are being handled in the Senate today, my main thought wasn't about Iraq, but what a huge mistake it is to elevate a Senator to the presidency.

Senators are a scary lot.

The habits of grandstanding, preening, and general stupidity seem to seep into these folks as they sit in those committees, hearings and voting sessions year after year. We've wisely avoided picking Senators for president for quite some time now, but this year we are faced with no alternative but to elevate one of these jackasses to the highest office.

Oh, well.

I'm No April Fool This Year . . .

I've noticed stories in the media from supposed conservatives who have suddenly seen the light and decided that Sen. Obama wouldn't make such a bad president afterall, and that all his empty rhetoric isn't at all empty but instead the exact kind of bridge building, forward thinking, and content free, ideation needed to unite our divided country into one purposeful mass of getting things done.

Well, I thought they were all wishful thinking from Big Liberal Media, but while on the road to Damascus (figuratively, not literally, despite Majority Leader Pelosi's willingness to travel there, and Sen. Obama's willingness to have friendly chats with the Optometrist, an actual trip to Damascus is both out of my budget, and beyond my tolerance level for subjecting myself to potential danger), I was struck off my horse (again, figuratively, I do most of my travelling not on horseback, but by foot or car, I've only ever ridden a horse once, it was one of those rent by the hour operations at the stables near Griffith Park, and it was on a hot July day, and the only person more miserable about the whole thing besides me, was probably the horse I was riding in on) by a bolt from the blue and was divinely inspired to see that my anti-Obama ways have been sadly mistaken all this time.

That's right, I now truly believe that The Obama WILL INDEED wash away our sins, and The Obama WILL INDEED mark the early 21st century as a special time when we were able to collectively witness the transformative power he will undoubtably unleash upon the entire globe. He will not just be the President of these damned dis-United States, no, not The Obama, his calling is higher, he is being called to be the leader of a United Planet, and only The Obama can wash away our sins, but all our differences, too.

I am now officially an Obamaniac, and posting today will reflect this, my new reality, spread the word, proselytize on His behalf, reflect in his glory, reflect upon his countenance, reflect upon his life story, and reflect upon the tiny and small sacrifice of one small vote that he asks of you to bring about a glorious new day not only for this country, but for all of Humanity.

Obama in the Highest, Ours is the Kingdom Forever . . .