16 February 2007

The Top Ten Reasons To Expect The Fourth Installment of the 'Indiana Jones Adventures' to be Awful

To pick up and amplify on a comment Icepick left on this post, figured I'd expand it to a full blown Top Ten List.

The Top Ten Reasons why Indiana Jones IV Will Rape Your Childhood Memories and Leave an Awful Taste in Your Mouth Just Like the Star Wars 'Prequels'

#10 - Short Round won't be involved (wait, wrong list, that's a reason that it will be good)
#9 - Harrison Ford is like 134 years old (to be fair he's only 64, but that's still pretty old to be cracking a whip)
#8 - Story idea from Jeff Nathanson (already covered in the previous post, but remember, this film sprung forth from the mind that also brought you Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 3, Speed 2, and The Terminal)
#7 - Did I mention Harrison Ford is way too old for this 'stuff'?
#6 - Liam Neeson as Abraham Lincoln? (Whoops, wrong list, that's from the list of why the Spielberg directed Lincoln project will suck balls)
#5 - Presumably, Indy won't have the Nazis to kick around anymore (Nazis made the better Indy villians than crazed Thugees, given that they'll have to push the timeline forward to the mid to late 50s at the earliest to account for Indy's aged condition, that leaves made up villians, or Commies, and given Spielberg's track record of late, I bet either the villians will be made up, or even worse, eeeevil American Businessman trying to exploit some native tribes and use some terrible ancient device that could lead to 'ultimate' power)
#4 - Seriously, have you seen Spielberg's last 3 films? (Munich, an awful, plodding, and morally corrupt 'serious social statement picture?', War of the Worlds, awful, plodding, and morally corrupt 'popcorn movie?', The Terminal, awful, plodding, and morally corrupt 'romantic dramedy?')
#3 - (see below . . . )
# 2 - (. . . keep looking . . . )
# 1 - That's right, this reason is so important and grave that it occupies the very top three spots on this countdown. This is the most overwhelming and fear inducing connection this film has. Two simple words, GEORGE LUCAS.

Yet, like a fool, I'll be there opening weekend, if not opening midnight showing. Lemming that I am (Hey, however bad it will be, it's still INDY IV!!!)

1 comment:

Icepick said...

George Lucas should have been reasons One through Eleven. (George's suckitude does, in fact, go to Eleven.) Everything else is irrelevant.