19 February 2007

A Modest Proposal on Stemming Global Warming

There is no greater existential threat faced by mankind of the magnitude of man-made Global Warming.

Within years, sea levels are likely to rise by feet, and by the middle of this century, expect sea levels to rise by meters, not centimeters.

I know it's true, I've seen it in an award winning film touted by the world's most important person.

Obviously, everyone should do everything they can on a personal level to limit their carbon emissions. I myself hold my breath for up to a minute at least five times a day as a way of trying to help improve my personal 'carbon footprint'.

But holding our breaths, and stamping our feet, no matter how convincingly and sincerely we do this in the developed west, won't offset the great Gaia destroying potential that could be unleashed should prosperity levels continue to rise in India and China.

One unfortunate side effect of prosperity is increased energy demand and consumption. Until scientists perfect solar power constructed from purely organic, non-toxic, non-genetically modified, and sustainable compounds using skilled union artisans to construct said power cells, there is no source of power generation that shouldn't be opposed with phenomenal and fanatical vehemence. For example, coal, if anything in this postmodern world could still be described as evil, coal would be it, petroleum, see coal, nuclear power, it's too industrial to be trusted, accidents are sure to happen, and then the whole world is doomed, windmills, they are inefficient and kill birds, tidal harnesses, they harm views and are unproven, hydroelectric, they destroy the fisheries of migrating fish, and are also aesthetically undesirable, biodiesel, it shows promise, but it's too much like petroleum to be trusted.

So in other words, there is no way to generate electricity without exacerbating the problem, so on a global basis we must find an acceptable manner at reducing demand now and in the foreseeable future. It's for the good of all humanity, and the survival of the very planet depends on it.

My modest proposal for solving this intractable problem?


We must direct intensive espionage efforts at both the Chinese and Indian governments and provoke those two nations into a war. It's the planet's only hope. Once these two behemoths start sending wave and wave of their own citizens to death in a long war against each other, the problems caused by man-made emissions will disappear. I wish we lived in a world where we could encourage these people to become more prosperous, and more free, but unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. The world we live in is one where people can't be trusted, and they must be fought as a disease that infects the purity of Gaia.

Don't let recent reports of increased dialogue between these countries dissuade us from doing what is needed. No matter how much it may seem as if these countries would be crazy to attack each other, it must be the top priority of anyone interested in saving this planet to make this conflict happen, ASAP.

As an added benefit of this conflict, given both countries have access to nuclear bombs, there should be at the endgame of their conflict a nuclear exchange. If they manage to create just enough of a Nuclear Winter to counterbalance the ongoing Global Warming, then their sacrifice of a billion or so souls between the two countries should help rectify the precarious position we see ourselves in with regards to Global Warming.

It's a modest proposal, I admit, but one that all the world governments should turn their attention to, and make this happen.

There will be hardships outside of India and China, tech calls will go unanswered, Wal-Mart shelves will be harder to fill with product, but we live in dire times, and everyone must expect somebody else to shoulder an onerous burden, if we are to save our poor sick Gaia.

I get no pleasure out of suggesting that the world community conspire in the slaughter of over a billion people, but no other alternative suggested could possibly be effective in rectifying this dire, dangerous, and existentially threatening dilemma we are faced with.


Eric said...

Thanks for your comment to my last post on Global Warming! I stand corrected regarding my assertion that there is "no euthanasia plan in place" -- for yours is a perfectly good one. I especially like the nuclear winter idea, as many of the Global Warming criers have been advocating a nuclear freeze for years, so this would entail only a minimal rhetorical shift.

Please keep this up, will you?

Icepick said...

We could all help with global warming if we'd just fart less.