The Moshtra From Hofstra!!!

It's ON!

6:03PDT
Hi, I'm Bob Schieffer, and we're just a bunch a folksy folks talkin folksy stuff around a folksy table, so let's be regular folks and talk to the regular folks about the regular folksy folks stuff that regular folks folk about when they folk with each other.

First question: Market, sucks, what are you gonna do?
McCain: Homes, homes, throw money in a hole and help dumb people pay their mortgages.
Obama: I love Lon Guy Land! It's Depression II!!! Oh Noes!!!!! We both supported the bailout so, but don't forget executive compensation, and see I said, "MIDDLE CLASS", did McCain say "MIDDLE CLASS", no I don't think so, therefore because I say the words, "MIDDLE CLASS" and throw out the meaningless phrase "MIDDLE CLASS TAX CUT" I'm more a man of the people than those fatcat Republicans. Specifics, Ha, you don't want specifics from The One, you just want him to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
MCCAIN: McCain fires back with Joe the Plumber from Ohio, and he's taking to long to get to the punchline, the punchline was, Obama explicitly said he wants to "SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND", without that phrase, the Joe the Plumber incident loses its fire. As Ren would say, EEEEEEDIOTTTTTTT!!!!
OBAMA: Rebuttal, spreading the wealth around is a great thing, evil OIL, did I mention EXXXON yet (yes, the extra 'x' is intentional, cause EXXXON is obscene), I just did, I'm so smart, I am The One, this is in the bag, I guess I'll just get wonky and ignore that I said I'd SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND, and instead mention how giving money away to people who now aren't paying any taxes and actually redistrubiting existing wealth isn't socialism.
MCCAIN: Finally, he wants Joe the Plumber to "SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND", Obama's plan is Class Warfare (and it is, too), McCain doesn't want to raise anybody's taxes.
OBAMA: I'm cutting taxes for 95% of Americans even while 40% of Americans don't pay taxes, cause I'm MAGICAL, and I'm going to mention EXXXON again, cause they're evil, and you MIDDLE CLASS Folksy Folks are wonderful.
MCCAIN: He's not afraid to come off as irascible tonight, apparently, corporate taxes are too high, if we raise business tax, businesses will run off to Ireland and hire a bunch of leprechauns, we don't want leprechauns running our corporations!!!

6:14PM PDT
Schieffer: Both you are spending like drunken sailors, you'll both raise the deficit, what are you going to cut?
OBAMA: The rescue package will not add to the deficit if I'm running things, cause I'm MAGICAL. I believe in pay as you go, and every thing I've ever proposed on the Senate floor has been paid for (of course, I've never actually proposed anything), and again because I'm so magical, the Congress is going to give me a magical LINE ITEM VETO even though it's currently unconstitutional. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, still no cuts, even more spending proposed, actually, but he promises to be responsible.
MCCAIN: I'm going to ignore the question to Bob, I like spending tax money just as much as every other Senator, it's an addiction with us. Energy independence will magically balance the budget (actually, it could help if we sold mass quantities of oil on the open market, but that ain't happening), spending freeze, just go at the budget with a hatchet. End Ethanol subsidies (Woohoo!!), no tariff on Brazilian sugar based ethanol (again, woohoo!!!!). He'll fight for a line item veto (D'oh!, guess that pesky constitution is meaningless to McCain, too).
OBAMA: Spending freeze is bad, we can cut carefully and somehow come up with a 40-50% reduction of the federal budget (which is what you'd need to get towards not only balancing current budgets but reducing the debt). And it's all Bush's fault, and McCain is Bush, so there.

6:20PM PDT
Can you balance the budget?
MCCAIN: I ain't BUSH, MUTHERF$($#(&!!!!!! If a budget freeze works in NYC, it'll work here, and I'm the person to do it. Obama's a spender, and a liberal, and a waster, I'm not, MUTHERF*(&$#(&!!!!!!! (he didn't say the mutha's but he meant them)
OBAMA: Once I voted against lawyers, and I supported charter schools, and I support clean coal (funny he doesn't campaign much on those issues). McCain is a liar, even FOXNEWS says so, and they're evil. And I call you BUSH, cause you are BUSH, so there, and you hurt my feelings, you are a mean old man, you mean old man.

6:25PM PDT
You both pledged to be above the mud, but you're both slinging the muddy stuff, what's up with that?
MCCAIN: It's Obama's fault, if we met face to face, we wouldn't have had to trash him in paid ads. Rep. John Lewis is a libelous jerk and Sen. Obama sat silently, that hurt my feelings, too. Campaigning is tough, get used to it, and Obama's spent more on negative campaigning then anyone in history, and he lied about public financing, cause he's a liar, liar, with his pants on fire.
OBAMA: Ummh, Ahhh, Ummm, Ahhh, campaigns are Ummm, ahhh, tough. Ummm, ahhh, I think he doesn't like this Ummmm, Ahhh, question. 100% of McCain's ads are not only negative but racist, even the ones where he just talks about his own record (which have been plentiful, so this 100% of ads are negative is a laughably, and easily provably false statement that takes some amazing audacity to even think, let alone say out loud). Let's get back to the economy, he's being negative cause people love my WEALTH SPREAD™(see here).
MCCAIN: Obama sucks, and he knows it.
OBAMA: Rep. John Lewis was reacting to those MOBS of angry pitchfork wielders at all the GOP events, so it was understandable, but his analogy was inappropriate, and he Rep. Lewis also pulled back slightly. I'm not getting into tit for tat, cause we have big challenges, and let's talk health care, let's ignore that I'm an asshole.
MCCAIN: Our rallies are full of good folks, and an occasional idiot. Do not impugn the good folks just cause a few idiots show up, you pissant little fool. When they say bad stuff, I jump on them and tell them it's wrong, when your folks say bad stuff, you smirk your stupid little smirk you smarmy little bastard (OK, he didn't say those exact words, but that's what he meant).
OBAMA: This campaign is too serious to worry about the unlevel playing field that the MSM and fears about being labeled a racist have created.
MCCAIN: Ayers and ACORN are relevant given that Obama won't own up to his relationships with these crazies.
OBAMA: I'm above all this, I can't believe he deigned to mention Mr. Ayers, Bill Ayers is just a kindly Professor, and that little board we worked on was bi-partisan and Bill Ayers won't influence my presidency. ACORN is fine, just a few folks got out of line, and my past with them. I like a bunch of old white folks and DC Wonks, those are who will run my presidency, so don't bring up Ayers or ACORN.
MCCAIN: Facts are facts, and Obama's still not forthcoming, and my campaign is a positive one that will fix America, Obama's is a commie marxist radical piece of crap.

6:40PM PDT
Schieffer: Why would your VP be better if thrust into the Presidency than the other guy's?
OBAMA: Regular folksy folk Joe Biden is folksy folk, and an experienced policy wonk. Nevermind the plagarism, the blowhard, the sheer idiocy of his behavior on various Senate committees, or his shady familial dealings and spreading of campaign cash, Joe Biden will be wonderful, and did I mention I'm going to raise corporate taxes and give 95% of folks a tax cut?
MCCAIN: America Lurrrrrvvvvvvvsssssssss Palin! She's a reformer, she's real folksy folk, she's stood up to big oil, and she's reduced government, and she's a breast of freth aire (or something like that). Why'd he bring up Autism? I guess he's confusing Autism with Downs, or he sees all developmentally challenged children about the same.
OBAMA: (BOB: Is Palin qualified) Palin's wonderful, and yeah, special needs is important, and we need to spend more federal dollars on this stuff, and if you freeze monies, that won't happen.
MCCAIN (BOB: Is Biden qualified) He's a qualified idiot. (he says more, but that's all he really says). Obama's answer to everything is spending more, cause he's a spendaholic, and his programs will scuttle our economy.

6:47PM PDT
Bob Schieffer: How much can we reduce Oil imports by 2012?
MCCAIN: We can cut out Saudi and Venezuelan oil completely by 2012 (by upping domestic and Canadian, and reducing demand through alternatives). Canadian oil is good, it's got that special Canuck flavor.
OBAMA: 10 years, completely, I won't say what we can do in 4 years, but domestic production should be raised, carefully, and we must reduce demand, but only with types of energy sources that the Laurie Davids and Sheryl Crows of the world would approve. Did I mention that BUSH=MCCAIN lately? No, we'll I'll do it again, not all trade is good trade, but McCain thinks all trade is good, and we should be firm with South Korea and be protectionist, cause Smoot-Hawley worked so well.
MCCAIN: Notice Obama said, 'we'll 'look' at off shore drilling', he didn't say we'll do it. And Hell Yeah!! with the Free Trade, asshole. We're screwing Colombia, and Obama wants to keep screwing them, I want Colombia to prosper, Obama's never even been South of the Border.
OBAMA: The Colombian government is evil, and they've killed socialist, and I always prefer socialist, that's why I supported a free trade agreement with Peru. Back to energy, Ford/GM/Chrysler can be saved if we force them to create econoboxes and hybrids, cause government intervention into the design process ALWAYS turns out wonderfully!
MCCAIN: Obama won't trade with Colombia, but he'll sit down with Chavez (damn commies, both of them Obama and Chavez). If you want Hoover's Smoot-Hawley all over again, elect that smirking fool sitting next to me.

6:57PM
Bob Schieffer: Health care, what's up with that?
OBAMA: It breaks my heart, I love the middle aged women, especially those still angry about me snubbing Hillary, so let me look into the camera and tell you all the wonderful things that I'll do for you on health care. Unicorn farts, and candy rainbows, that's what I'm offering, it'll cost some money to harvest those unicorn farts, sure, but it's WORTH IT!
MCCAIN: It's a tough subject, and it's a cost issue, so reduce costs, improved records, clinics, tackle obesity, reward wellness, and most importantly, encourage competition. Hey, Joe the Plumber, what are you doing with that ballot in your hand? Vote for me! If Obama's elected, Obama will force you to spend far more to cover each employee, while my plan will be much more private, and his will be socialist.
OBAMA: Joe the Plumber, small business won't have to provide health care, I'm only going after the fat cats (ummm, then there'll be fewer big companies, or they'll hire far fewer people, not a good situation). Joe the Plumber will get a big fat tax credit, and that'll be wonderful. And McCain's credit won't cover some people, and he's going to tax health care, so he's evil, and won't cover most people (but my unicorn farts will cover everyone!).
MCCAIN: Hey Joe, Obama's a commie, and Obama is lying about my plan, it will be a net benefit to most people, and it will be far more portable both geographically, through the workplace. Obama is Senator Government (he shouldn't have corrected that mistake, he is Sen. Government). With the Dems in charge and Obama as President, it'll get far worse.
OBAMA: McCain's plan is scarrrrryyyyy!!!!!! Booooooooo!!!!!!

7:06PM PDT
Roe v Wade, McCain is against it, Obama loves it, would you nominate a Justice against your view?
MCCAIN: No litmus test from me. I lead the GANG of 14, Obama stayed away from it. I've voted for Breyer and Ginsburg cause they were qualified, Obama based his votes purely on ideology, cause he's an ideologue. Supporting Roe v Wade would probably be inconsistent with the type of constructionist I'd appoint, however.
OBAMA: There's a couple of old liberals on the court, and I won't have a litmus test, but *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*, so if you want to keep the current ideological balance, you know which one of us will pick correctly (I'll ignore the bit about Alito and Roberts and my opposition to those qualified nominees). Now I'm getting wonky with some dumb equal pay for equal work case (I guess his polling with PUMAs isn't looking good to bring up this at this time, he's pandering to a specific group, and despite the polls looking good for him, he seems very concerned with courting Hillary voter types).
MCCAIN: Obama kills live babies!
OBAMA: Ummm, ahh, ummmm, ahhhh, ummm, I didn't vote the way I voted, and the law I opposed didn't do what you claim it did. I support a late term ban, as long as you have loopholes that you could drive a truck through in it. And we shouldn't burden people with unwanted pregnancies, I'm mainstream on this issue, I swear. I don't like abortion.
MCCAIN: Health of the mother is a huge loophole, and is used for everything under the sun, and Obama knows that. The unborn have rights, period.

7:16PM PDT
Bob Schieffer: I don't like how Obama sounded on that last question, so let's move on, our education system is expensive and it sucks, what are you going to do about it?
OBAMA: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we need reform and money, blah, blah, blah, blah, we must start state indoctrination while children are still in diapers, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, more pay for teachers, blah, blah, blah, blah, accountability, blah, blah, blah, blah, college is too expensive, blah, blah, blah, blah, tuition credit, blah, blah, blah, forced service for a government stipend, cause that'd be wonderful, and finally, the parents must be parents.
MCCAIN: It's a civil rights issue, we have equal access, but we still have failing schools, and we need choice and competition between schools to break the back of the unions, reward good teachers, and dump bad teachers. Charter schools are part of the answer, not throwing money at the problem. Teach America and Troops to Teacher should be supported, college loans, wait, I'm sounding pretty much just like Obama, I guess we both suck.
BOB Schieffer: Local or Federal control of education?
OBAMA: Yes, of course I believe we should socialize and standardize and federalize the schools, I'm a commie, afterall (but I'll pretend it's all about fixing No Child Left Behind and ending 'unfunded mandates'). I'm pro-charter school, I swear. And I'm against bad teachers. But, vouchers won't work, and he's not giving enough money to get people to take Marxist Theory courses or Wimyn's Studies.
MCCAIN: Vouchers do work, biiiiiyyyyyaaattttcchhhhh!!!! NCLB is just a beginning, money isn't the answer, reform Head Start, transperancy, and more accountability, and I'll guess I'll ignore the original question about whether or not this is primarily a Federal or Local thing.
OBAMA: I'm going to do more, I swear.
MCCAIN: You suck!

7:27PDT Closing statements:

MCCAIN: Vote for me.
OBAMA: Vote for me.