22 August 2008

A Modest Proposal on the Summer Olympics to Ensure That We as Viewers Are Truly Up Close and Personal With the Athletes

The current Beijing Summer Olympics of 2008 are rapping up, and much of the planning and preparation for the next London Summer Olympics of 2012 are already under way. Ever since the spectacularly expensive and well produced opening ceremonies of the current games, commentators have openly questioned London's ability to live up to the new high standard set by the totalitarian government of the People's Republic of China. Leave it to dictators to put on a great show! There hasn't been this much pomp, ceremony, and collective nationalistic good feeling since the Berlin Olympics in 1936. Dictators know how to get their people in line and spruce up a host city to the point where even major politicians from important nations can stand back and only admire and envy the ruthless efficiency with which they can transform and improve their urban areas.

But this has nothing to do with London, with all its fine features, its surveillance cameras everywhere, its policing of ideas (nobody must ever say anything that might offend someone else, to do so would be criminal, unless its a traditionally oppressed minority expressing their dissatisfaction with the status quo, then nobody must question their right to call for the death of other Londoners), London may be edging towards the sort of totalitarian perfection exhibited by Beijing in 2008 and Berlin in 1936, but they fall far short. No, they won't be able to put on the kind of show Beijing did, it's not in the British national character, it's not within the bounds of their legal system, and Londoners have 'evolved' far beyond the sort of civic pride exhibited this past fortnight by the people of Beijing. A further hindrance towards competing with the scale of Beijing 2008 is the simple fact that the economy of the United Kingdom is fall smaller than that of China, and worst of all, it's a democracy, so if they spend more than a paltry £10,000,000,000 there might be some whingers who cause a stink within their parliament and chat shows.

So, with those structural defects when compared to Beijing and China, London and the UK are going to have to be creative and innovative to try and top the spectacle and pageantry of Beijing. To compete they'll have to go with their strengths. "What are the current strengths of the United Kingdom"?, you ask. I'm here to tell you, the people there have cultivated an appreciation and appetite for reality TV programming, and in the aggregate, absolutely no sense of shame in the pursuit of fame.

Use those talents, then, turn the Olympic Village into the most massive and watched episodes of the show Big Brother in history. Run episodes of Big Brother concurrently in every nation that agrees to do so. Given this Times Online article by an ex-athlete revealing the testosterone fueled Bacchanalia of young fit bodies finding fleshy pleasures with each other, if there were cameras throughout the village capturing this activity, the ratings for this would be through the roof. It would be up to each country's broadcasting partner with the London Committee how explicit they chose to make the programming based on local customs. Personally, I'd pay money to watch the Brazilian feed (with or without dubbing or subtitles). The TV rights for these shows would make a mint, I suspect, and would go quite a ways in deferring the enormous bill that will burden the people of Great Britain for a generation or two.

Obviously, a few changes would have to be made, first, no minors allowed, for the 2012 games, all competitors must be 18 years of age at the time of competition, can't have any chance of questionable material of underage folks generating friction with each other. Most sports won't be effected, and any athletes who might miss out on 2012 because of the rule change, will always have 2016 in their future (besides, those disturbingly young gymnast bouncing around are a bit annoying, anyway). Another change would be to make being billeted in the Olympic village mandatory for all athletes, as well as signing a release form allowing for the airing of any footage that is captured. Wire the entire village the way the Big Brother house is, and just sit back, relax, and watch as hours and hours of entertaining television programming piles up. Any athlete who doesn't want to be caught doing anything too kinky, can abstain from having too much fun, and given that many athletes are extroverted, beautiful, in the best shape they'll ever be in, and desperately horny, they'll probably not even notice the cameras watching their flirtations, and beyond.

Why should we, the citizens of each of these nations, only get to see their performance on the tracks, and fields, and pitches, and pools, why not also see their 'performances' on the rooftops, and closets, and balconies, and bathrooms, and bedrooms?

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