I still think Dave Chappelle would be excellent, but he probably won't do it.
Five changes I'd make to the press briefings.
- I'd use a Nerf Football to pick who gets to ask a question. I'd fling that sucker in there mightily, chucking it at someone's head, and whomever catches it off the bounce gets to ask the question.
- Every Thursdays all questions would have to be posed as 5-7-5 syllable haiku, no exceptions.
- Clothing optional Fridays (let's hope Helen Thomas always opts for clothed)
- My standard response to a really assinine question (you know, the kind that David Gregory is likely to ask) will be 'Screw 'em if they can't take a joke'.
- I'd try and throw in as many convoluted pop cultural allusions into my answers as possible, digressing and dodging the original question with a charmingly off-beat manner, and frequent mentions of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, South Park, The Fonz, Family Guy, Shirley MacLaine, Parliament, Funkadelic, Frank Herbert, Douglas Adams, John Madden and anyone else I can think of at the time.
3 comments:
Point Number 5 makes me think how much fun it would be if Dennis Miller or (in a Dem administration) Quentin Tarrantino would be in the role. Especially Q in conjuction with rule #2. Or best of all, Samuel L. Jackson playing the part of White House Press Secretary, as written by Quentin Tarrantino. That's a press conference I'd PAY to see....
David Gregory: Mr. Jackson, the President has repeatedly stated that while diplomacy is the best option with Iran he would not....
SLJ: Shut the fuck up, Dave. What fucking day is it?
DG: What?
SLJ: "What"?! I've never heard of a day called "What". Where are you from?
DG: What?!?
SLJ: Do they speak English in "What"?
DG: What!!??
SLJ [pulls out a 9mm pistol and shoots DG in the shoulder, DG screams in pain]: Go on motherfucker, say "what" one more time. I dare ya, I fuckin' DOUBLE dare ya!
[DG quakes in terror, but finally stops saying "What?"]
SLJ: Now that I have your attention, answer my question: What ... fucking ... day ... is it?
DG: Thur-Thur-Thursday. [Winces and says "Shit" quietly.]
SLJ: And what's the rule on Thursday, Brainiac?
DG: All questions ... all questions must be submitted in the form ... of a 5-7-5 haiku, or else....
SLJ: Or else what?
DG: Or else you'll get a couple of hard-hitting Young Republicans ... with a pair of plyers and a blow torch and an audio-book copy of Rick Santorum's latest book, and get all Abu Ghraib on my ass.
SLJ: Correctamundo! But I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Dave. I'm going to give you one chance to redeem yourself. Would you like that Dave?
DG: Y-yes....
SLJ: Now, listen carefully Dave. What's my favorite passage from the Bible?
DG: What!?
[SLJ unloads rest of clip into DG's carcass, drops the empty clip on the podium, and puts in a fresh clip.]
SLJ: Okay, next question.
I laughed very hard Pick, and now feel that I need a shower. But the upside is, it makes the Nerf Football seem reasonable by comparison. Let's make that happen.
Damn. That's better than anything SNL has had for at least a decade.
My favorite Samuel L. Jackson role might be from that incredibly silly (and fun) Geena Davis spy movie. And I think she's still playing the president on television.
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