20 April 2006

If Nobody Else Wants the Job

I'll do it.

I still think Dave Chappelle would be excellent, but he probably won't do it.

Five changes I'd make to the press briefings.
  1. I'd use a Nerf Football to pick who gets to ask a question. I'd fling that sucker in there mightily, chucking it at someone's head, and whomever catches it off the bounce gets to ask the question.
  2. Every Thursdays all questions would have to be posed as 5-7-5 syllable haiku, no exceptions.
  3. Clothing optional Fridays (let's hope Helen Thomas always opts for clothed)
  4. My standard response to a really assinine question (you know, the kind that David Gregory is likely to ask) will be 'Screw 'em if they can't take a joke'.
  5. I'd try and throw in as many convoluted pop cultural allusions into my answers as possible, digressing and dodging the original question with a charmingly off-beat manner, and frequent mentions of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, South Park, The Fonz, Family Guy, Shirley MacLaine, Parliament, Funkadelic, Frank Herbert, Douglas Adams, John Madden and anyone else I can think of at the time.
Now if they don't contact me to discuss salary, I'll be disappointed. I'll keep that press room lively for the next 3 years, of that you can be sure.


Icepick said...

Point Number 5 makes me think how much fun it would be if Dennis Miller or (in a Dem administration) Quentin Tarrantino would be in the role. Especially Q in conjuction with rule #2. Or best of all, Samuel L. Jackson playing the part of White House Press Secretary, as written by Quentin Tarrantino. That's a press conference I'd PAY to see....

David Gregory: Mr. Jackson, the President has repeatedly stated that while diplomacy is the best option with Iran he would not....

SLJ: Shut the fuck up, Dave. What fucking day is it?

DG: What?

SLJ: "What"?! I've never heard of a day called "What". Where are you from?

DG: What?!?

SLJ: Do they speak English in "What"?

DG: What!!??

SLJ [pulls out a 9mm pistol and shoots DG in the shoulder, DG screams in pain]: Go on motherfucker, say "what" one more time. I dare ya, I fuckin' DOUBLE dare ya!
[DG quakes in terror, but finally stops saying "What?"]

SLJ: Now that I have your attention, answer my question: What ... fucking ... day ... is it?

DG: Thur-Thur-Thursday. [Winces and says "Shit" quietly.]

SLJ: And what's the rule on Thursday, Brainiac?

DG: All questions ... all questions must be submitted in the form ... of a 5-7-5 haiku, or else....

SLJ: Or else what?

DG: Or else you'll get a couple of hard-hitting Young Republicans ... with a pair of plyers and a blow torch and an audio-book copy of Rick Santorum's latest book, and get all Abu Ghraib on my ass.

SLJ: Correctamundo! But I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Dave. I'm going to give you one chance to redeem yourself. Would you like that Dave?

DG: Y-yes....

SLJ: Now, listen carefully Dave. What's my favorite passage from the Bible?

DG: What!?
[SLJ unloads rest of clip into DG's carcass, drops the empty clip on the podium, and puts in a fresh clip.]

SLJ: Okay, next question.

Pooh said...

I laughed very hard Pick, and now feel that I need a shower. But the upside is, it makes the Nerf Football seem reasonable by comparison. Let's make that happen.

bill said...

Damn. That's better than anything SNL has had for at least a decade.

My favorite Samuel L. Jackson role might be from that incredibly silly (and fun) Geena Davis spy movie. And I think she's still playing the president on television.